[Interview] Seiyuu Men vol.3 – Saito Soma – Qualidea Code & Book-Related Questions

Released: 2016/7/22

Mentioned: Anzai Chika, Uchida Yuma, Hirata Hiroaki, Noto Mamiko

※After the Qualidea Code interview is a Q&A about some of the books that Soma enjoys.


The Earth is suddenly attacked by unidentified enemies called the “Unknown,” which push humanity towards the brink of collapse. Three strongholds are built in Tokyo, Kanagawa, and Chiba, and the boys and girls assigned there use their innate special powers to fight the Unknown. Saito Soma plays the role of Suzaku Ichiya, a young man who fights on the front lines as the leader of Tokyo. This interview was conducted when he’d just finished recording for the series.

Q: First, what were your impressions after reading the novel?

I read all of the novels that have been published, and I thought it was a really interesting concept—having leading authors show their individual flairs in a shared world, and even animating it. When I read the novel that my character Suzaku is the protagonist of, Sonna Sekai wa Kowashite Shimae (by Sagara Sou), his character was a bit different from what I’d felt at the audition. But strangely enough, now that I’m actually voicing him, there are aspects that feel the same as my original impression.

Q: Sonna Sekai wa Kowashite Shimae is a prequel to the anime, so Suzaku’s character certainly does feel a bit different.

You can imagine that something might’ve happened between the prequel and the first episode of the anime. In the novel, the mysterious girl Canaria talks with her friends Tsugumi and Suzaku. That Suzaku is a straightforward and honest man who can genuinely say that he “loves humankind,” and I sensed his original focus there. At the same time, his words are harsh, so he tends to be seen as unpleasant or high-handed. But, he faces the Unknown with sincere feelings. Normally you can’t grasp everything about a character just from the anime script, but the novel provided a lot of material for understanding him better, so it was important for voicing him.

Q: Suzaku’s relationship with Canaria and his rivalry with Chiba’s second-in-command Kasumi are interesting too.

Suzaku’s honesty means he doesn’t choose his words carefully, but he isn’t actually trying to rile up others. However, Kasumi is the sole exception—Suzaku does intentionally try to rile him up *laughs*.

Also, during the audition, there was the problem of what his stance should be towards Canaria. At first, I thought he would be quite harsh, but at the next recording after reading the novel, Sagara-sensei said to me that he was glad Suzaku became friendlier. The change was something that happened naturally after reading the original work.

Q: This series takes place in a dystopia, but what do you find appealing about the setting?

There’s a cold sleep shelter, and only the children woke up from it, gaining special powers called “Worlds” and being tasked with protecting Earth from the “Unknown”… That explanation might be hard to understand *laughs*. But, I think it’s also a story about a world on the brink of destruction, where adults and children build pseudo familial relationships. I’m quite a big fan of dystopia sci-fi, and I can feel the “solidarity between the ones still remaining” in this work. But, whether that solidarity is “happiness” is a different question.

Q: It’s also interesting how the world’s mystery is revealed bit by bit.

It makes me wonder if it’ll go the route where, once the full story is revealed, your perspective of the world will change completely. In that sense, nowadays it’s normal for anime to have a lot of dialogue and explanations, but this one is interesting in how it leaves room for imagination as it narrows down its setting. So, I think that even people who aren’t fond of sci-fi will find it worthwhile to follow the story one episode at a time.

Q: Did the director or sound director say anything to you regarding your role?

Rather than anything specific, it was more like we took it one episode at a time. The sound director, Ebina Yasunori-san, is someone I worked with when I was still a newbie. During the audition, he told me that when I was expressing Suzaku’s arrogance, all of my intonations were becoming monotonous. He taught me to make the character more alive, and I think that was a major influence for me this time.

Also, when I talked to the authors of the original novels, they said that Suzaku was the easiest to understand, so I got the impression that I shouldn’t try to make him too elaborate.

Something else I found difficult was that the three pairs, Tokyo, Chiba, and Kanagawa, spoke in very unique and characteristic registers. We haven’t been able to thoroughly discuss it with the director yet, but it feels like he’s guiding us along a very precise balance.

Q: What is the recording atmosphere like?

The six main cast members are close in age, so it feels like we’re experiencing the characters’ high school atmosphere in reality. Plus, we still don’t know what the next plot developments will be, so it feels like we’re going through the same thing as Suzaku and the others—suddenly being thrown into a world where we have to fight.

As for the recording itself, the six of us sit in a row, and the Chiba pair (Anzai Chika and Uchida Yuma) are really funny, so everyone’s always laughing and having fun thanks to them. Of course, there are also senpais like Hirata-san and Noto-san, so it feels similar to the story’s world. I’m supported by my friends and senpais, and all of the staff assess our voices very earnestly. We spend a long time carefully crafting each episode, so it feels like everyone is synchronizing better with each one.

Q: The dialogue pacing also strikes a delicate balance between comedic and serious elements. How did you act out those?

It really is fun when you’re talking seriously in one scene and then laughing in the next. But for Suzaku, he uses a relatively serious tone no matter the scene. Personally, I think it’s because he speaks so seriously that he contrasts the other characters, so the rest falls upon the recipient of his words, the visuals, and the viewers’ interpretation. I hope you’ll find it entertaining.

Q: Is there anything you do to preserve the condition of your voice and throat?

Suzaku is a character that does things briskly, so I strive to speak bluntly. But, when you’re too blunt, it turns into something else, so I keep in mind to balance it with speaking clearly. So, I bought a facial massager to loosen the stiffness in my jaw and tongue *laughs*. I also try not to catch colds.

Q: By the way, do you have anything in common with Suzaku?

I wonder… Suzaku is a rather single-minded character, right? His favourite saying is, “I can handle it myself” *laughs*. I think he’s a man who won’t be satisfied unless he does everything himself, and stubbornly insists on doing something about the current situation. From another angle, it means that he’s bad at relying on others. I’m closer to that type myself, so perhaps we’re similar.

Also, Suzaku has a chuunibyou side that he’s oblivious to. He gives people’s abilities alternate names… I’m definitely not like that, but I can kind of sense something similar between us there *laughs*.

That said, I want to prioritize what kind of person Suzaku Ichiya is over whether or not I resemble him. I want to voice him for who he is, without letting our similarities take the lead.

Q: In that case, what do you think is important in voicing him for who he is?

Not reading ahead in the story. It’s not exclusive to this series, but in this case, Suzaku has been placed in a certain situation, and he makes his own predictions and takes his own actions. I want to maintain the feeling of being directly connected to him, and value the fact that “Suzaku Ichiya is there.”

Also, it’s interesting how each of the characters have different stances in their conversations. I make sure to remember to have a clear distinction between “how Saito Soma would want to respond to that line” and “how Suzaku would actually respond to that line.” During conversation scenes, if I conform too much to the other person speaking, then it won’t sound like Suzaku’s talking anymore. So, I take care to maintain that sense of balance.

Q: What is your current goal as a voice actor?

I think the most important thing is attitude—expressing my lines properly, without pridefulness. It’s always easy to say you’ll do something, but putting it into practice correctly is difficult. So, I always keep my attitude in mind, as a caution to myself. In addition to humility, I also think that impulsiveness is important for acting. Instead of just protecting myself, I also need to break free from that protection. Maybe that’s why “balance” was the theme of today’s interview *laughs*.

I absorb various things from anime, books, films, and stage plays, and I want to leverage those when I’m addressing people or listening to them speak. Those are where my foundations lie, and I’d say my goal is to build on those, pursuing different forms of expression through reading performances and whatnot. To leap at things I don’t know, while also taking careful steps. I hope that my words will reach the ears of many.


Book-Related Questions for Saito Soma

Q: What’s your favourite quote?

* “If all be true that I do think,
There are five reasons why men drink.
Good wine, a friend, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.” (From Scotch to Sentou by Tamura Ryuichi)

In one of his books, the poet Tamura Ryuichi introduced this quote from scholar Henry Aldrich, who was a dean of Christ Church at the University of Oxford. I completely agree! *laughs* I also used to be a reckless drinker, but recently I’ve been trying to drink more maturely, and this quote is always present in the side of my head. I love how it combines humour and moderation. It’s also encouraging, when something bad happens and I want to relax a little and overcome it with humour. Although, in the case of Tamura-san the first-class drunkard, I think he uses this as an excuse to drink. *laughs*

*English translation was taken from Wikiquote.

Q: Which books would you like to read for an audience?

  • Dazai Osamu’s works
  • Raymond Carver’s works
  • Tamura Ryuichi’s works
  • Kyuusekai by Fukuma Kenji

Since I was born in Japan and was accepted into this line of work, I really do want to try Dazai Osamu. A major title like No Longer Human would be nice, but Dazai also has many works that are humorous or lyrical. He has a masterful writing style with an incredible sense of rhythm. His works are almost a century old now, and yet people today can still latch onto the rhythm when they read them out loud, which isn’t something that can be said of most compositions from that long ago.

I’d also like to try a translated work, especially from an author like Raymond Carver, or something that’s been translated to modern Japanese by the translator Kishimoto Sachiko. I get the feeling that we rarely get the chance to recite translated works, so it sounds like it’d be interesting.

Next is poetry. There’s the orthodox Tamura Ryuichi-san, and Fukuma Kenji-san’s Kyuusekai also left a deep impression on me. In reading performances, we can express ourselves with more than just our voices—for example, acting theatrically to the beat. So, I think it’s important to consider what you’re reading and how you’re doing it.

Q: Which books would you recommend for men?

  • A Lover’s Discourse by Roland Barthes
  • Naze Anata wa “Aishitekurenai Hito” wo Suki ni Naru no ka by Nimura Hitoshi

A Lover’s Discourse was written by Barthes, a modern theorist. I think there are many people who believe that philosophy is boring, but this book is simply a collection of love stories, so I think it’ll hit home for young men who are struggling with love.

Next is Nimura Hitoshi-san’s Naze Anata wa “Aishitekurenai Hito” wo Suki ni Naru no ka (“Why do you fall in love with someone who won’t love you?”), which really struck me on a personal level *laughs*. It’s written in a rough style and talks about how you should confront yourself. My teenage years were gloomy *laughs*, and I want someone in the same situation to read this book and tell me what they think, because I believe that it saved me, just a bit.

Q: Which books would you recommend for women?

  • Suki Suki Daisuki Chou Aishiteru. by Maijo Otaro

It’s not so much a “recommendation,” but something I’d like to hear their opinions on. I’m a fan of Maijo-sensei and have been reading his works ever since his debut work. The writing style in his novels has speed and incredible readability. It feels intoxicating to read, too. This book is a sci-fi romance and begins with, “Love is a prayer. I will pray.” I’d like to hear a woman’s opinion on the rest of the opening. *laughs*

Q: Which books influenced your life?

  • Encyclopædia Britannica
  • Jigokudou Reikai Tsuushin by Kouzuki Hinowa
  • Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut

When I was little, we had my grandmother’s copy of Encyclopædia Britannica at home, and I’d always be reading it during my free time. My mother would also read it to me, and she was really good at it. But, my parents would fall asleep quickly, so I guess I’d end up reading it by myself. For me, that was my formative reading experience.

In elementary school, the series I read the most was Jigokudou Reikai Tsuushin. It was like an occult version of Zukkoke Sanningumi (a series of children’s books) *laughs*. The three main characters were elementary schoolers named Tecchan, Ryouchin, and Shiina, and I loved Shiina-kun so much that I even wanted to make my surname Shiina *laughs*.

After that, I read a ton of things that combined sci-fi, youth, and summer elements. Qualidea Code fits that perfectly, huh? *laughs* If I were to name one of them, it’d be Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle. I’ve reread it many times, and I want to have a life that I too can call “Nice, Nice, Very Nice.”

[Event] Qualidea Code Episode 1 Advance Screening & Cast Talk Show

Date: 2016/7/2
Guests: Saito Soma, Ishikawa Yui, Yuki Aoi, Fukuhara Ayaka, Uchida Yuma

I couldn’t find any particularly useful event reports, but here’s some misc notes:

  • The cast talk was 30-40 mins long
  • Anzai Chika was missing because she was attending Anime Expo in LA instead
  • Yuma’s character has a little sister, so they began teasing him about his older sister

[Serialization] VOICE Newtype No.060 – Kenkou de Bunkateki na Saitei Gendo no Seikatsu #3: The Day I Wore Rainboots

Released: 2016/6/27

※This essay was also published in the book compilation of Saito Soma no Kenkou de Bunkateki na Saitei Gendo no Seikatsu.


It was raining, so I chose to stay inside. I was going to go out for a drink, but sadly, I don’t like going out on rainy days. I reluctantly decided to organize the piles of scripts, outfits, books, garbage, and other miscellaneous items that had accumulated.

As I was sorting things, I found an unfamiliar box in the back of my closet. Inside was a pair of dark indigo rainboots. Huh? Did I buy these? I pondered for a while, unable to remember where they had come from, when suddenly it dawned on me: my uncle had given them to me a very long time ago. At the time, my feet had still been small, and I couldn’t really find an opportunity to wear them. They must have followed me to my current home somehow.

Speaking of which, my uncle gave me quite a few of my current possessions, whether they be books, clothes, or a guitar. I glanced at the guitar which was propped up on a stand, its strings long since rusted over. It remained silent. The room was filled with only the sound of the rain falling outside.

There aren’t many things that I continue to use indefinitely. Most things only stay in use for two or three years at most. However, there is one thing that has lasted for several years: the electric guitar my uncle gave me. It should’ve been around the time I began high school, so I’ve been playing it for about ten years now. That said, I only seriously practiced until I was around twenty. After that, I only took it out occasionally to perform maintenance and pluck the strings with my old muscle memory.

I don’t quite remember why my uncle gave me this guitar, but I think it was probably to congratulate me on graduating middle school. Thinking about it, my uncle has done a lot for me ever since I was little. He’s my father’s younger brother, exactly twenty years older than me, and works hard in Tokyo. I admired him when I was a kid. A fancy job and lifestyle in a fancy city… As a depressed boy living in the countryside, I saw my uncle as a guy who appeared every now and then to show me things that were shiny, cool, and stylish. In a way, he was my hero.

My uncle had once been a bandman, and he said that the guitar he gave me was the one he used to use. He also gave me several books by Kurt Vonnegut, showed me the record collection in his room, and took me out to eat a lot.

When I had just turned twenty, he brought me to a store that had delicious wine. Too young to know how to handle alcohol, I simply gobbled up all of the food and drink that was served and got very drunk. My uncle gently chided me and taught me how to drink in moderation. Perhaps he was partial to me because I was his first nephew. He often took me to concerts, and I was awed by the amazing performances that I normally wouldn’t have been able to see.

On one such day, as soon as we met up at the concert hall, he said, “Something came up and I have to leave, sorry.” He looked nervous and left without saying anything else. Since I was young and inexperienced and didn’t know what to do with the extra ticket, I watched the concert by myself. At the time, I had a vague feeling that I wouldn’t be able to see him as much anymore, and it turned out to be true.

After all, I never imagined I’d get a cousin twenty years younger than me. My uncle and his wife had their first child, and when things had mostly calmed down, we met for the first time in a while. He was as stylish and easygoing as always, but there was a different light in his eyes as he gazed at his child. For the first time ever, I felt for some reason that my father and uncle were similar. Oh, I see. These might be the eyes of a father. I secretly smiled to myself.

As is the case with most small children, his child seemed to love shiny and unusual things, looking curiously at things like smartphones, keys, and adults’ eyes. I might not be able to become your hero, but I’ll do my best to bring you shiny things like my uncle used to. I hope we’ll get along. That’s what I thought.

The sound of a phone notification brought me back to my senses. I looked at the screen and was surprised to see the word “Uncle.” Is such perfect timing even possible?

I couldn’t sit still anymore after that coincidence. I hurriedly changed my clothes and put on the rainboots. They used to be too big for me, but now they fit snugly around my feet. I think I’ll stop by a place before meeting with my uncle. My destination is, of course, a guitar shop. I’ll begin my walk in the rain by replacing these rusty strings.

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[Event] AnimeJapan: Qualidea Code Talk Show

Date: 2016/3/26 @ 7:15pm
Event: AnimeJapan 2016
Guests: Saito Soma, Ishikawa Yui, Yuki Aoi, Fukuhara Ayaka, Uchida Yuma, Anzai Chika, Sagara Sou (author), Tachibana Koshi (author), Watari Wataru (author)
Event Reports Sourced: https://www.animatetimes.com/news/details.php?id=1460480554 https://www.excite.co.jp/news/article/Animeanime_27692/


First, the cast members were called on stage and the first PV was played. Soma read out the story synopsis, and the authors were called on stage next.

Next, each group of characters was introduced, with their respective commercials played.

An interesting part of the Tokyo camp’s talk was how Suzaku Ichiya (CV: Saito Soma) looks down on the incompetent, and he hates Chigusa Kasumi (CV: Uchida Yuma) whose quote in the PV was “I’m only here because of my younger sister’s influence.” The fact that he “hates” Kasumi rather than just looking down on him may imply that he has a special awareness of him. Perhaps Kasumi has something that forces Ichiya to hate him. (When Soma started talking about how his character hates Yuma’s, Yuma stood up in protest.)

Also, Canaria’s “World” (special ability) strengthens her abilities by singing, so… we might get to hear her singing?! Look forward to the character songs.

Sagara-sensei’s comments on how he’d like Soma and Yuishi to voice Ichiya and Canaria were displayed. They referenced other works, such as a certain “Prism King” show that both Soma and Yuma were in, that was airing at the time of the event.

Next was the Kanagawa team, with the two voice actresses meeting each other for the first time. Their characters were introduced and commentary was given by the corresponding author, Tachibana-sensei.

Lastly was the Chiba team, following the same format as the others.

After the character discussions, the authors departed from the stage and a major announcement was made: the theme songs would be performed by LiSA, ClariS, and GARNiDELiA. The cast members were surprised too, and were eager to hear the songs.

Finally, the cast members said their farewells, encouraging the audience to look forward to what the series had in store.

[Serialization] VOICE Newtype No.058 – Kenkou de Bunkateki na Saitei Gendo no Seikatsu #2: In Search of Lost Sleep

Released: 2015/12/24

※This essay was also published in the book compilation of Saito Soma no Kenkou de Bunkateki na Saitei Gendo no Seikatsu.


“When you can’t sleep at night, it’s because you forgot to prick yourself with the sleepiness needle1.” I’m not sure whether I was told that by someone, I read it somewhere, or I thought of it myself.

Even after emptying the whiskey glass, it doesn’t feel like the day is going to end. With nothing else to do tonight, here I am, starting to write this essay. It’s often said that you should never publicize anything you wrote late at night, but I think it might be okay every once in a while. However, if it’s a love letter, you should definitely sleep on it first. Promise me you will, everyone.

Now then, that’s what I’ll be talking about tonight.

There’s a wonderful theory that “makura” (the Japanese word for “pillow”) comes from “tama no kura” (storehouse of the soul). I first learned of it in the winter of my first year of middle school. It was after leisurely biking down a footpath between rice fields to go to the bookstore, where I bought Urushibara Yuki-san’s Mushishi. As a new middle schooler, I was having sleepless nights because I wasn’t adjusting well to the change in my environment, so that theory became a part of me as if it had seeped into my mind. But in the end, I continued to have trouble sleeping, and I became the kind of sad adult who would write “Nobita-san2” in the “person I admire” column of my profile sheet.

So, this time, I decided to search for an item that would be crucial in obtaining the perfect sleep: the “storehouse of the soul”; that is, a pillow. My destination was the Lofty Pillow Factory in Bakuro-Yokoyama.

As far as I can remember, that was the first time I’d ever gotten off at Bakuro-Yokoyama Station. It was a lovely side street full of wholesalers—it looked like a neighbourhood out of a manga by Tsuge Yoshiharu-san or panpanya-san. (Speaking of which, panpanya-san wrote a short story called Makura Uo, which was also about searching for a pillow.) I walked through the neighbourhood, feeling a bit like a tourist.

When I arrived, I was surprised by how stylish Lofty’s storefront was. Peeking in from outside, the first thing I noticed was the fancy stairs leading to the underground level. There were also some mysterious cocoon-shaped objects. Oh? Did I come here to be put into cold sleep? It looked like something out of science fiction, even though it wasn’t the season for The Door into Summer anymore.

I timidly approached the front desk. A gentle-mannered employee gave me a detailed explanation of their products, and at last, it was time to try out the pillows.

Apparently, the key to choosing a pillow is to measure the depth of your neck to prevent your shoulders from sinking when you lie down. While trying out different materials such as beads, rice husks, and whatnot, the employee said to me that my shoulders were relatively broad. Don’t tell anyone that I was surprised to hear that.

By the way, according to the employee, “Most people who come to buy a pillow have some kind of sleep-related problem. But changing one’s pillow isn’t enough to solve the root of the problem—one must also review their lifestyle or seek guidance from a doctor.” Well, yes, that’s true.

The store also sold body pillows in a variety of shapes, like frogs and some strange lamprey-type thing. I passed on these. The thought of cuddling a finless porpoise while I slept was mildly terrifying.

After deciding on a pillow, it was time to pay. Next to the cash register, I found pajamas that looked very “galaxy.” They felt very soft and comfortable to the touch, so I decided to buy them as well. However, I was shocked when I heard the price. The pajamas were more expensive than the pillow by a long shot. Still, I had decided not to compromise on my health, so for the sake of good sleep, I paid up and left the store feeling refreshed.

And so, I bought a pillow, but to be honest, there are still many nights when I can’t fall asleep. I’m bad at “not thinking,” so I wind up going through an endless stream of unnecessary thoughts. What I probably need are relaxation techniques. It’s important to “relax your shoulders,” both physically and mentally.

It seems that in order to become healthy, one must not only solve the physical problems with their body, but also internal ones. I have a long way to go, but, well, I’ll get there one step at a time.

Oh, one more thing. On sleepless nights, something always happens. For example, it could be a message from a friend I haven’t talked to in a while or an encounter with a wonderful creation. For some reason, I believe in that kind of fate and serendipity.

Oh? Look, just as I was writing that, someone rang my doorbell. I’m surely going to enjoy staying up tonight. Well then, good night everyone, and sweet dreams.


0The title is a reference to the novel In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust.

1Saito Soma later wrote a short song called “Sleepiness Needle” (Suima no Hari) for the UtaTsunagi trend on Twitter:

2Referencing Nobita Nobi from Doraemon, who is very lazy and sleeps a lot.

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[Serialization] VOICE Newtype No.057 – Kenkou de Bunkateki na Saitei Gendo no Seikatsu #1: I’m Sensitive to Pain

Released: 2015/9/25

※This essay was also published in the book compilation of Saito Soma no Kenkou de Bunkateki na Saitei Gendo no Seikatsu.


I’m sensitive to pain.

I’m afraid of injections, I don’t like IV drips, and I even avoid watching grotesque movies. But that day, by some ill fate, a needle was inserted into my arm to draw out a fair amount of blood. As I writhed in pain, I recalled a passage from the novel Flowers of Grass by one of my favourite authors, Fukunaga Takehiko:

 “Helpless, yes, and nobody more so than me. But what good would it do to superimpose our two solitudes? Wouldn't that be like adding zero to zero?”
 “But doesn't this solitude of ours mean precisely that we need love?”

- Flowers of Grass (Fukunaga Takehiko; English translation by Tyler Royall)

Surely, what I need right now is a kind lady to say, “Pain, pain, go away” for me. While the gentleman over there and the girl over here are having their blood drained, I am alone, groaning in misery. Where is the goddess who will heal me from solitude?

As for how I, a voice actor, wound up writing this essay, the story goes back to about half a year ago. During an interview with VOICE Newtype, I mentioned that writing was one of my hobbies, and from there, the meetings began.

After the serialization was confirmed, we spent a while discussing ideas for the overall theme, and the editor in charge asked me, “Is there something you’ve been lacking lately?”

Something I’m lacking? Hmm, I wonder if there is. Oh, I know—

“Health, I guess.”

“Oh, then let’s go with that.”

“Okay.”

And so, we decided on the general theme of “experiencing a variety of things in order to become healthy.” The next question was, “What’s the first thing I need to do in order to become healthy?” After some thought, we somehow reached the idea of “A comprehensive medical exam, of course!”, leading to the opening of this essay.

It was my first time having a comprehensive exam done. Even though I’ve visited fictional sanatoriums countless times, I loathe hospitals. Growing up, I wasn’t the most robust child, so I often had to go to the physician and the dentist. The crying voices, the chemical smell, the sound of drills whittling at teeth—all of these were a source of terror for my younger self. Nothing changed after becoming an adult; even when I felt a bit unwell, I avoided going to the hospital whenever possible.

Aware that my blinking had become unusually frequent, I asked the receptionist lady, “Excuse me, does a gastroscopy hurt?”, as if I were a child.

“Your plan for today only has a barium swallow…”

“Huh?”

Yes. Shockingly, the exam outline did not involve a gastroscopy. Instead, I only had to swallow barium and have X-rays taken. I felt like a fool for giving myself a stomachache after reading so many online articles about painful gastroscopies the day before. (Make sure to carefully read the explanation they give you beforehand.)

Oh, this’ll be a piece of cake, I thought, immediately feeling relaxed. It was time for the exam to begin.

First, they measured my height. I’ve always professed my height as 168 cm, but an accurate measurement revealed it to be 169.6 cm. From now on, I think I’ll insist on my official height being 170 cm.

Then came a blood pressure test and a vision test, followed by an intraocular pressure test. I told the nurse that I’d never had my intraocular pressure measured before, and she said, “You’ll be fine. I’m blowing the wind now.”

Wind? —The moment I thought that, my eyeball was blasted with a gust of wind. Ow!

While I was still in a state of alarm from the first stimulus of the exam, she said, “I hear your voice all the time! Good luck!” with a radiant smile. At that point, I felt so sorry for my unshaven stubble, vacant eyes, and muttering.

Next was the electrocardiogram. As I looked around restlessly with my upper body bared, a different nurse informed me, “This will be cold!”

“Whoa, you’re right, ahaha!”

“You have work tomorrow, right? I watch your anime! I’m rooting for you!”

I’m so glad there wasn’t a disturbance in the test results.

After that was the hearing test, which ended before I could get a feel for it, so I was still reacting to outside sounds by accident. The lung capacity test revealed that mine was significantly below average, which I laughed awkwardly at. The barium didn’t taste as bad as I expected, and then I laid on a moving table that made me feel weightless. The exam was proceeding without a hitch.

At last, it was time for the blood test. It was a blood draw. When a vampire sucks all the blood of their victim, the victim’s soul is taken into their body. Similarly, something within me was assuredly lost as well. I mean, they took four vials!

“You’ll feel a small prick,” they said, but I always think, there’s no way it’s just a small prick— See, I told you! It hurts, it hurts, it hurts! I twisted my face with all my might and got laughed at. It was really embarrassing.

As an aside, I have a friend who once said, “I like watching my blood being drained. It makes you feel alive, doesn’t it?” To which I thought, “Oh, this person is crazy.”

After everything was over, the last step was meeting with the doctor. As I was led to the room, I prayed that they hadn’t discovered a serious illness that would put the project at a standstill… and when I arrived, I found an austere man who projected the aura of an actor.

He looked at my nervous self and said, “We have a lot of young and cute girls here, don’t we?”

“What?”

“They’re the faces of the hospital, after all. Having cute girls changes things!”

I chuckled. Right, it changes everything. Yes.

Suddenly, the doctor put on a stern face and said, “I’ll cut to the chase.”

“Okay…”

He paused. It was such a long pause that I started to question it. If it were a play, I would’ve assumed the actor had forgotten his lines. Then…

“You’re healthy.”

Thank you, draft beer. I love you, seared mentaiko. It looks like I won’t have to say goodbye to you for a while.

Thus, I successfully completed my first-ever comprehensive medical exam. Despite the sweltering heat, I left the hospital with a refreshed smile; a rare sight in recent years. Being healthy is great!

My high spirits carried on through my afternoon work, and afterwards, I rewarded myself with a visit to a sushi restaurant, where I ate a lot of delicious sushi. I then had a peaceful sleep. I love the forehead part of tuna.

Incidentally, alcohol apparently has a hardening effect on barium, so I didn’t drink alcohol on that day. However, the beer I drank on a later day was exceptionally delicious. You can’t go wrong with beer in summer.

Having finished writing my first draft, I took my book and hit the streets* to distract myself from the solitude. Wait for me, beer. See you next time.


*Reference to Sho wo Sute yo, Machi e Deyou (Throw Away Your Books and Hit the Streets), a critique published in 1967 by Terayama Shuuji

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